Coming Back To Life

NOTE: Jonny was no longer able to keep up with posting and the login was lost. Hopefully, more will come.

Benjamin Darras at Parchman Prison 2012

While in jail, I had discovered I actually liked to read. Before my arrest, I had read at most three or four entire books by choice and a few more for school in my entire life. Now that I had plenty of free time on my hands and few entertainment choices, I was reading three to five books a week. I could read a five-hundred-page novel in a day. Reading was a way I could escape my confinement for a brief moment and lose myself in another world. The trustee who ran the jail library would come around to each dorm and holding cell every week with a list of books we could choose from. We were allowed to check out five books for the week and then turn them in for five new ones when he came around again. One week, I checked out a book titled Twice Pardoned. I thought it would be one of those true-crime books describing some horrendous crime committed and how they were arrested. It was something I could identify with, so I decided to check it out. I was disappointed when I sat down to read it that evening to discover it was a Christian testimonial book. I decided to read it anyway because another inmate said it was alright “…except for the end where it gets religious.” The story told of a man named Harold Morris who had gotten caught up in a life of partying and drugs. Driving with two friends one day, they asked him to pullover at a grocery store. Unknown to him, they were intending to rob it. Things did not go as planned and a couple of people were killed. Later, the two friends were caught and told the police Harold was the mastermind behind the whole thing. They testified against him in exchange for lighter sentences. Harold Morris was given two live sentences and sent to prison.
Then came the religious part.

During his time in prison, the book told of how he found God while incarcerated. His life dramatically changed when he fully embraced Christianity, and the impossible happened. He was released on parole after serving only seven years of his two life sentences without the possibility of parole.

I read the entire book for start to finish completely captivated. I really identified with the guy’s story. His life had been a lot like mine, and I couldn’t believe how much it was affecting me. The way he described how he felt at the time of his arrest was exactly the way I had felt—empty and alone. Happiness and peace seemed the furthest thing from the situation I now found myself in, but I wanted it desperately. I wanted what this guy had. I wanted to believe in God and believe God could love me, but the murder in Mississippi held me back. Yet, I wanted to be like Harold. It was true I wanted to be free from prison; but, more importantly, I wanted to be free of the emptiness and self-hatred I felt inside. I knew my life had amounted to absolutely zero and I could feel the black claws of depression tearing me apart.

There was an address in the back of the book for a prison ministry. I wrote asking for more information about Christianity and how and if I could be forgiven for my sins. Soon, a Bible and a Bible study correspondence course arrived in the mail. I had never taken the time to actually read the Bible before and was surprised it wasn’t the mystical mumbo-jumbo I had it expected it to be. It was filled with stories I could understand and relate to. Much to my surprise, I liked reading the Bible.

I felt it deep within as I studied and prayed. I wanted to give my life to Jesus and be forgive for my sins, but I was afraid of what the other inmates would say. I had managed to convince the warden to let me into the general population by this time and built up a reputation a “crazy youngster”. I fell in with a group of other teenage inmates and we harassed the other people locked up with us for any and all reasons or no reason at all. I figured if I was with the troublemakers, I wouldn’t be a victim of their torments. One guy we picked on constantly and made fun of him because he said he was a Christian. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to go through the same petty harassment we had put him through but I wanted Christ. I waited until late in the night when all the others were asleep, and then prayed to God asking Him to forgive me for all the things I had done, for all the people I had hurt and let down, and for all the ways I had turned my back on God. I also prayed for the Holy Spirit to be given to me, and promised God I would try my best to live the way He wanted me to live.

Bells didn’t start ringing, and I didn’t speak in tongues; but I knew something had happened. Something had changed. For the first time in as long as I could remember, I had peace of mind. I felt calm inside and slept well that night. The worries which constantly plagued me for my entire life subsided even though my problem remained.

In the morning, I told no one what I had done. I was still scared I would be made fun of and always waited for everyone to go to sleep before I prayed or worked on the Bible study lessons. Despite my attempts to hide it, others began to know something was different about me. I was changing. Make no mistake about it, I still did a lot of foolish things and pretended to be a tough guy. The difference now was I felt the pangs of conscience and felt bad about the way I was acting. I made a decision to get away from the foolishness I had become entangled in trying to fit in with the other inmates. I wanted to do what was right, but I always caved into the pressure of those around me. To solve this, I wrote a note to the warden asking to be moved back into the holding cells. Later in the day, my request was granted and I was moved. There was only one other person in the cell which was my hope. Over the following weeks and months, I studied the Bible every day. Slowly, I began to understand what it was saying, and eventually I gained the courage to start telling people I was a Christian now. While nothing had changed with the punishment I was facing, the hopelessness and despair lessoned.