Monday, July 11, 2011
The Aftermath (part 3)
It was a few days later when Sarah called and told me she wanted to come over to my house. I was glad because I still missed her a lot, and I thought this might give us a chance to work things out. Her car was still broken down, so I borrowed my mom's van and left to get her. When I knocked on the front door, I could hear her and her parents inside yelling at each other. She came to the door and told me, with tears in her eyes, it would be a minute until she was ready. I went back out to the van to wait.
An hour or more passed before she came out, and when she did she was in a fetid mood. I tried to talk with her, but she was preoccupied with whatever was on her mind. I assumed it was the argument with her parents, but she didn’t seem to want to talk about it. I didn't press her. When we got to my house, my mom was mad because I had been gone longer than she had expected. I told her it wasn’t a good time. Knowing Sarah had just gotten into a fight with her parents, it would be just perfect for me to get in one with mine.
In my room, just as I closed the door and sat down, Sarah said she wanted to go home. It was maddening. I could feel the heat fill my face while the reason was leaving my head. What made me snap was when she said she was going to call Patrick to come and get her. I had waited all this time to sit down and try to work things out between us, driven all the way to Muskogee, and sat in the van forever just to have her leave as soon as we got back. I missed her so much, and to hear her tell me she wanted to leave hurt.
To cover the pain, I got angry and started destroying everything in the room. Whatever I could lay my hands on I destroyed, but it didn’t lessen the pain at all. With the room in shambles, I sat down in the middle of the mess I had made and cried. That seemed to be all I ever did in those days after the crimes, make messes and cry. Sarah had sat in a chair stunned, never moving during my rampage. I didn't understand anything about her anymore and I hated the whole situation. At some point, Sarah came over to me and kissed me. Then she called Patrick and left.
After that, I spent almost everyday in a kind of daze. I was back to my old self again, wondering the streets by myself, lost in thought. I wanted to find someway out of my mental turmoil, but it seemed hopeless. I wanted to tell someone that I needed help, but something always stopped me from asking. I had only had one real relationship before Sarah which had ended in disaster as well. I began to wonder if I just wasn’t meant for love and relationships. I wondered if there would ever be a time I didn’t feel like life had played some silly ridiculous joke on me.
I met a guy named Terry soon after the time of the meltdown. He had started to hang out with the Commune gang while Sarah and I were driving the highways of America. He was quiet a lot, which was fine with me. I didn’t feel like talking too much so it worked out perfect. Mostly, we drove around in his girlfriend’s car all day getting high, or just listening to music in silence. We both had secrets, I assumed, and neither one of us wanted to probe. Together, we lost ourselves in a haze of pills, pot, and LSD.
Things continued to spiral downward. A friend of mine was arrested for possession of marijuana. Another one of the Commune gang and I went out to his house to get any other drugs out of his house just in case the cops decided to search it. I rolled all the drugs we found in a paper sack and stashed it in my closet. My mother found it and kicked me out of the house. I sank into depression, and. I could no longer see anything left to live for. I thought a lot about killing myself daily, and asked a Terry if I could borrow the gun I had seen him carry. I told him it was for “protection.” Everyday I woke with desperate thoughts and emptiness.
A week had passed since I had seen Sarah when she called at the Commune looking for me. I got back with her later that day and to1d her about getting kicked out of my house. She told me to stay with her for awhile. Her car hadn't been fixed so I had to find my own ride. It was late and most of my friends were asleep. Nevertheless, I managed to cajole someone into taking me.
When I got to Sarah's house and knocked, her dad answered the door. He said Sarah wasn't home but would probably be back in a few minutes. He invited me in to wait. It was an hour later before Sarah finally showed up—with Patrick. Sarah saw me sitting in the house and was surprised. She had thought I wouldn't be able to get a ride so late. She went outside and told Patrick her parents wanted her to stay at home. Hearing this, he went berserk. He had expected her to go back to his house with him and was furious when she wouldn’t leave with him. I knew the feeling. When Sarah saw how he was reacting, she ran inside and locked the door. I could hear him screaming outside that he was going to kill everybody in the house.
Sarah didn't want her parents to wake up since they had just gone to bed a few minutes earlier. She called the cops and waited hoping Patrick wouldn’t do anything too foolish. When they came Sarah went out and told them she didn't want Patrick arrested, just removed from the property. However, he had some traffic warrants and was arrested anyway.
Patrick didn’t bother us anymore that night, but every time we heard a sound outside, we thought it was him prowling around the back yard. We talked for awhile but not about the things we needed to say. I felt really distant from her now. When I had kissed her earlier, mostly out of habit, she didn't respond. That chilled things quickly. After awhile, we just lay down in the den and went to sleep. She told me she had been awake for a couple of days and was really worn out. I wasn’t sure sleep would solve either of our problems.In the morning, Heather pulled up and a few minutes after that Terry and Katie showed up. Greg, a friend of Sarah’s showed up later in the day as well. We bought some beer later in the evening and we had a little impromptu party. Sarah invited everyone to spend the night, and we made plans to go to an amusement park in Tulsa in the morning. The impromptu party had turned into an entire weekend of fun.